All of my excuses

There’s a piece of paper sitting somewhere in my things. A “freedom license” I received a few months ago. At the time, it felt like a nice memento from an event, something clever and metaphorical. The message was simple: you don’t actually need permission to get things done. You can just do things.

I smiled, nodded, and tucked it away.

I’ve thought about it occasionally since then. Usually when I’m procrastinating, or making excuses, or explaining to myself why something isn’t possible right now. The freedom license would float through my mind like a gentle reproach. You can just do things. Then I’d nod at it again and continue not doing things.

This is kind of my pattern, if I’m being honest. I have ideas. Visions of what could be. I think about problems, map out solutions in my head, see paths forward with clarity. Then I… don’t walk them. I sit with the map. I refine it. I think about it more.

I’m good at thinking about things.

Yesterday, I attended a workshop about learning and action. I almost didn’t go. Tired, had other work, the usual. But something pulled me there. I think it was the fact that the speaker was kind of the GOAT for a lot of people I admire.

He shared his story. A few years ago, he lost everything. A very large amount of money. The kind I’ll definitely never see. Wiped out after a cyber attack.

Also, it wasn’t his money. It was other people’s money.

Very bad.

I tried to imagine it. The kind of event that would make it easy to give up and cry for a while. Maybe a long while.

But he was standing there, whole enough to teach a workshop. A man who had taken action after catastrophe.

And here I was, with smaller reasons, taking less action.

The discussion centered on action versus reflection. One point landed: reflection is limited to what you know right now. It’s circular, safe. Action moves you into territory where you learn things you couldn’t have learned by thinking alone.

I’m 24 in one month. I’ve been “thinking things through” for years. How much more could I have done?

The speaker asked us to write down all our excuses. The real ones. The beliefs we hold about ourselves that keep us from taking action. The ones we barely admit to ourselves.

I need to write them down. Make them public. I’ve been hiding behind them, and as long as they stay in my head, they remain powerful and valid.

So here are mine:

I have an Indian passport and Indian bank accounts. This restricts my access to opportunities, communities, and partnerships around the world. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself.

I never physically went to college. My formal education essentially stopped after high school. No valuable degree, no alumni network, no institutional stamp of approval.

I don’t understand programming, coding, or tech very well. In a world that increasingly runs on code, I’m functionally illiterate in the dominant language.

I’m anxious and uncertain about making money. I’ve cycled through probably over ten jobs in the past four years. This makes me afraid to take risks, to commit, to believe stability is possible for me.

My mom died when I was young, and I don’t have sisters. I grew up without much exposure to female perspectives. This has shaped me in ways I’m still discovering.

I was cheated on by two women I felt strongly about. One of whom I loved deeply. Trust doesn’t come easily anymore.

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There they are.

Most of my friends know about all of this. But I’m writing it publicly because that’s how I hold myself accountable.

I have ideas about education that could help people. I’ve thought about them extensively. I haven’t built them.

I have thoughts about improving systems I see failing. I’ve mapped them carefully. I haven’t implemented them.

I have visions of the work I want to do, the impact I want to have. I’ve refined them for years. I haven’t taken real steps.

Instead, I point to my list. My passport. My lack of credentials. My financial anxiety. My past. These are real. They’re true.

But they’re also excuses.

Bureaucracy and borders are real. Educational credentials open doors. Technical skills matter. Financial instability creates anxiety. Grief and betrayal leave marks.

All true.

But none of them actually stop me from doing something. From taking one step. From building one small thing. From trying.

The speaker lost other people’s money and still got back up.

I’m sitting here with smaller reasons, letting them stop me completely.

I don’t know what comes next. I don’t have this figured out. But maybe saying it publicly makes it harder to keep using these excuses tomorrow.

Maybe that’s enough for now.

I’m not saying that makes it okay, or that action solves everything. I’m saying I’ve been sitting here with my list of reasons, and none of them are actually that bad. None of them actually stop me from doing the work.

I’ve been holding that freedom license all along. I just haven’t been using it.